Mama

I don't like November.  It's understandable, even though it might be irrational to dislike an entire month.  November 23 is the day my mom died.  This year will be ten years.  A decade.  I haven't liked November for the past ten years, but this time it seems different.  Maybe it's because we've hit double digits, or because ten is such a stark number.  Either way, I haven't felt great the past few weeks.

I started re-reading through C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed a few days ago.  It's a great book, especially if you have lost someone (and really, who hasn't?).  Lewis wrote it after the death of his wife.  It is a short read, just four chapters, each chapter a different journal written in the weeks and months after H's death.  It is comforting for a few reasons.  The journals are extremely personal and easy to relate to.  It's also nice to know that if the great C.S. Lewis can doubt and ask why bad things happen, and come out well on the other side - than surely I can too.

Lewis writes in Chapter 2:

"Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years.  And all that time I had thought I was remembering him well "how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said".  The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely.  Not that he had changed.  On the contrary.  I kept on thinking, "Yes, of course, of course.  I'd forgotten that he thought that " or disliked this, or knew so-and-so "or jerked his head back that way."  I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again.  But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years.  How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of H.?  That it is not happening already?  Slowly, quietly, like snowflakes "like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night"  little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her.  The real shape will be quite hidden in the end.  Ten minutes "ten seconds" of the real H. would correct all this.  And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again.  The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."

That is my fear, that in these ten years, I have forgotten, replaced and changed who she was.  Mannerisms, smiles, the sound of her voice are now hazy, a creation I have made in my own mind that isn't really her at all.  There are so many questions I have, and things I would love to know, at the same time knowing I will never have all of those answers.

When I was a senior in high school I was at a CIY discipleship retreat.  The director for the week went to college with my parents.  I introduced myself as my sister and I were instructed to do on several occasions, "Hi, I'm Kate/Sara Perry and Jill's daughter(s)."  After the standard introduction Kevin told me a story I had never heard before.  He was a groomsman in his brother's wedding and ushered my mom to her seat.  When she put her arm through his she managed to catch her bracelet on his jacket.  The wedding was about to start, and they couldn't get the bracelet off.  Mom unhooked the clasp, and Kevin stood next to his brother with my mom's bracelet dangling from his jacket for the wedding ceremony. 

It was a sweet and unexpected gift to learn something new about my mom.  So here's my shameless plug.  If you are reading this and you knew her - tell me something, anything.  Tell me your favorite memory or a funny story or something ridiculous.  It doesn't matter, I promise I will appreciate it.

Speaking of questions.  What is she doing in this picture?  Selling pickles?  What do you do with eight jars of pickles and a dozen eggs?

Catching Up

A lot has happened since my last post.  I think a photo review is in order to bring us up to date.

The RAs showed up - and my staff is wonderful.  We learned a lot, bonded, and made them do crazy games, which was really just an excuse for awesome photo opportunities.

Examples of said photo opportunities:

Before

After
*Note before and after does not mean that Corri turned into Brennan.  The game played was one team member covered their face in peanut butter, and then the rest of their team threw peanuts at their face.  The face with the most peanuts won.  Corri was pregame, Brennan was post.

Move In Day was a success.  It was oddly calm - thanks to my awesome crew.  Move In Day is also great because I get to see people like Jackie - as you can see in the picture, I was pretty excited about it.  Jackie was too, despite her face in this photo.

 After Welcome Week I flew home for a super fast, but great weekend with family, friends, and steamed bagel sandwiches.

Love that bow tie.

Sisters, sisters there were never such devoted sisters... (are you singing the song yet?)

They're just so cute.

Why must the steamed bagel sandwiches be so far away?

Sisters photo shoot.  We're pretty much models.

She's not crazy - I missed the memo about which smile we were supposed to do.

Friends for life.

I also get to spend a lot of time with Cole - he's pretty much the greatest thing ever.  Even asleep, wrapped like a mummy he's adorable.

In the last few weeks there was a birthday party for these two...

In case you couldn't tell, Cody turned 30.

Then we went to Atlanta...

My first real college football game.  We're such posers, sitting in the student section.

An afternoon in the park.

The big city can be a nice break from the mountains.

We also saw Ray Lamontagne and Brandi Carlile, they're wonderful.  Look them up if you don't already know them.

Last weekend I went to Chicago with two coworkers for a conference.  Before we left The Windy City, we saw a performance of a show at The Second City Theatre.  It's an improv theatre where a lot of hilarious people have come from - Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and the always wonderful Tina Fey.  I can't find the cast list for the show we saw - but the girl with the long hair and the headband.  She's going to be big.  So in a few years when you a see a hilarious girl on SNL with long hair and a headband - you heard about it here first.

And now it is time to settle in for October.  A whole month of not traveling, but staying put.  Pumpkins, changing leaves, sweaters and scarves, homecoming - it's going to be a great month.  

A Year in Review

I know what you're thinking
you - "A year in review? But Kate, it's August, we are 75% done with the year.  Isn't that a little late?"
me - "Don't worry, I've got this."

Luckily for me, I get to measure my life in semesters. August is like my January, only with less snow and more bugs.  This past year has been filled with lots of changes, and I thought it would be a good idea to review.

July of 2010 I had three jobs, more or less.  13 months later I have none of those same jobs.  Resident Director, Theatre House Manager, Freelance Public Relations/Advertising all worked together to keep me busy, often times stressed and the ends to meet.  Now I am only Director of Res Life, for the first time since high school I only have one job - but more on that later. 

At the end of last summer my boss/friend (she was and is both) moved on to the greener pastures of Georgia Tech.  Before she left, she informed me she was recommending me for her job (my current role).  I laughed at her, she didn't join me - she was serious.  So two days before my staff of 22 Resident Assistants arrived on campus I became the interim director.  Somehow, by the grace of God, a terrific staff, and possibly magic we all survived training and move-in. 

As I settled into the year I realized I liked this job.  Sure it had it's stressful times, but these were my kids and my staff - I didn't want anyone else to take them (I get a little protective).  I threw my name in the hat for the position, knowing there was a stack of resumes of people with post-graduate degrees and fancy things of that nature.  The next day I was offered the job.  Through a series of doors opening and closing I decided to stay in Tennessee's fair eastern mountains for the near future.  Signing on to the job meant signing on to grad school .  I said yes, knowing I was agreeing to another five years or so at Milligan.  This was not the plan.  Staying at Milligan after graduation was even plan B, I was now on to plan C or even further down the alphabet.  My goals for the school year were to survive and make sure everyone had a room.  I came a little close on the second one, but in the end accomplished both.

On top of the new job and the adventures it brought, this year included a new roommate, moving, a funeral, a wedding, old friends leaving and new friends coming.  It's been a year.  But I made it.  The plan (I don't know why I make those, they keep changing) was to start grad school this fall and start my Master's in Counseling.  That has been put on a hold for a semester, and probably a year and will hopefully be starting the next fall in a different and better program.

So here I am.  Tomorrow my staff returns and we hit the ground running into two weeks of crazy, busy, stressful, awesome fun.  August is exhausting, but wonderful.  I love move in and the start of school.  So if you hear me complain, remind me of that and tell me to shut up. 

When September comes, supposedly I will have this thing called "free time."  I've started coming up with things to do.  I don't want to go to crazy, because let's be honest my intentions are always better than my follow through.  Case in point, the guest room at our house.  It's really a storage room for a bunch of stuff that I have been meaning to clean out and set up since May.  So that should probably be first on the list of things to do.  Maybe I will read more books, run some race, audition for a show, blog on a regular basis - the possibilities are endless. 

So here is to the past year (raise your proverbial glass with me) you were filled with highs and lows, a few breakdowns, and a lot of changes.  But I survived, and just maybe am better for it.  To the next year, here's to doing better than surviving, making intentions and follow through match up a little more and continuing to grow, even if it hurts.

Cheers, friends.  And happy new year.

Happy Father's Day

I have a fantastic Dad.  I would go as far as to say one of the best. In honor of him, and Father's Day I have put together a list of my favorite things about him.  For the record, this list could be a lot longer, he's just that great.

- My dad is hilarious.  He can make me laugh, and does so an a regular basis.
- He is an excellent story teller.  Granted I have heard most of his stories several times, but that doesn't make them any less wonderful.  I think he has a rolodex in his head that he can cross reference.  You could give him a subject, or two and he would have a story.  For example, bee pollen and Kermit the Frog.  There's a story about that, and it will make you laugh.
- I appreciate his musical taste.  He introduced me to Michael Buble and Blood, Sweat and Tears - two of my favorites.
- He makes the best PBJs.  They are excellent comfort food.
- He shared one of his favorite things with me, golf.  He started me in lessons in 5th grade and was my coach all three years of middle school.  The fact that he spent several years coaching the middle school girl's golf team says a lot about who he is, and his tolerance for squeaky girl talk.  I played from 6th grade through my junior year in high school.  He was at almost all of my matches.  He was never mad or angry when I missed a shot, but always supportive.  The only time I remember him being really upset was 6th grade.  Our team was undefeated and we lost our only match to Martinsville, by one stroke.  He asked all of us in the van on the way back to go over all the holes we played, and think of at least one shot we could have improved - and that would have made the difference.  That was probably the quietest the van had ever been.  When I decided to not play my senior year, he wasn't mad, but glad I was becoming more involved with other things I enjoyed.  He still says I have a "natural swing" and I know that I could have put a lot more effort into that sport and have become a much better player.  But I also know, if I ask him to go play tomorrow he will be thrilled.
- He went to countless concerts, marching band competitions, and musicals because my sister and I were performing.
- He is fantastic with kids.  My step-mom jokes that he is Santa Claus because kids will just come up and talk to him.  He can stop any baby from crying.  It is part of what made him a fantastic children's minister. That, and the fact he always had candy in his office, slept on the church roof, ate a goldfish and shaved his mustache a half at a time - those last few were VBS bets.  There was a mohawk in there too, but we don't really talk about that.
- He is great at his job, and I learn this more and more as I get older.  This past fall I watched him perform the funeral service of his younger brother.  I don't know how he made it through, but he did so with eloquence and his sweet sense of humor.  I was home a few weeks ago, and we were at the grocery store picking up things for dinner.  He ran into an older lady from the church and remembered her and what was happening in her life and was so kind and genuine in his care for her.  He loves people well.
- He is a great husband.  He lived the vow "in sickness and in health."  I am thankful for the marriage he had with my mom.  His relationship with my step-mom has brought joy and peace, for him and me as well.
- He is into bow ties now, and I think it's pretty great.
- I have never doubted that he loves me and is proud of me. I know this because he tells me often.
- He says he wants his daughters to be happy, healthy, love Jesus, and to live at home.  His response to me is, "three out of four isn't bad."

So Happy Father's Day Perry David. I love you, and promise one of these days to celebrate this holiday in person.

Pa and Bonhoeffer

April has been a crazy month.  Thankfully it is now May, and one week from today we will have an empty campus.  Don't get me wrong, I love my residents and students - but everyone is ready for a break.  In the midst of the madness of the end of school, Amber I are moving across campus into a house.  We aren't sure when we are moving, but it will most likely be in the next week.  The time crunch and unknowns are forcing me to go with the flow.

I am not great at going with the flow.  Those of you who know me won't find that in the least bit surprising.  Lately I have been trying to be better at that.  It's been working in some ways, but I can only take so much.  I like plans, and lists and knowing what's going on. So the fact that I need to oversee a campus move out, and move out myself has become a source of stress for me.  Stressed-out Kate has been the norm for the past few weeks, and I am over it.    

Today as I was cleaning/packing I found buried on my night stand, "I Want to Live These Days With You" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  I am sure the book on it's own is a great read, but I have a particularly nice copy.  My version is co-authored by Bud Anderson, my grandfather.  I used to refer to him as Grandpa, but when the great grandkids came he turned into Pa.  He used the book as a daily devotional and wrote notes to me everyday.  Wisdom from Bonfhoeffer and Anderson is a pretty great thing, and today it was especially timely.

The first page I thumbed to was June 1.  Pa's note reads, "Are you ready for some good news? Today's underlying theme is why worry.  All that's needed to trust the outcome of life is believe in only one thing. Why worry?"

The second page was January 3, "My underlined thought yesterday, about the future, was not written because I'm nearly 79.  I never had a thought as a young man to "live your dream."  After 21 years of age and nearly 3/4 of that time in school, I was more than ready for a different track.  Uncle Sam took over the next four years and into places unknown, there I went. You were in my future Kate, how could I ever have dreamed that - or Mary, Korea, American Airlines, twins and three sons, and especially Northside Christian Church for these last 49 years.  So hang on to your hat Kate, the ride and road ahead  is God's path for you. If you surrender."

I know that move out and packing/moving is not a huge ordeal - and everything will get done.  I just have to hold on and power through, and in the meantime think of Pa.

Be My Everything

Last week was Justice Week at Milligan.  Everyday there was something different, speakers and events shedding light on injustices throughout the world, and how students could help.  On Tuesday, Invisible Children showed one of their documentaries, "Tony" watch the trailer here.  Invisible Children visited campus in the fall, and that was really first time I heard anything about them.  Check out the link above to find out more information on this great group.  In the Fall they spoke about Joseph Kony and the LRA.  Last week the told the story of Tony, and in that story told how IC was born.

Three college friends decided to make a movie about the Sudan and what was happening in Darfur.  Instead, they were unable to get to Darfur and heard the story of Joseph Kony, the LRA and night commuters.  What started with three guys and a camera is now a major non profit organization rebuilding schools in Uganda, providing education and mentorships for hundreds of Africans and fighting Africa's longest running war.  Three guys with a camera have inspired high school and college students across the United States to stand up and do something, be a part of something bigger and make a difference.  Watching the documentary on Tuesday I couldn't help but shed a few tears (true, my heart is not completely ice).  Tony is one of the first night commuters that Jason, Bobby and Laren met in Uganda.  They kept in touch with him, went back and visited him and in 2010 Tony made it to the US to go on tour with IC.

I think there are tiny glimpses of heaven here on Earth.  Things that are good and perfect that are just a flash of what is to come.  In the documentary there is video of everyone waiting at the airport for Tony and other the partners  to arrive from Uganda.  There was a mass of them huddled around the base of the escalator.  There were people with signs and giant banners waiting for his arrival.  I know that some of those waiting on him had met Tony and were his friends.  But I am sure there were others who had never met Tony, but knew he represented something bigger that they were a part of.  I can't help but believe that is what heaven will be like.  People I loved, and people I didn't know but are still brothers and sisters excited to see me and welcome me home.

Today hasn't been the greatest day.  It's days like today that I have to remember Tony and IC and remember that I am just one person in a world of billions.  I am thankful to serve a God that knows me individually and created me individually, but is also such a big God.  He is not just here in East Tennessee but the same God In Uganda and Japan and everywhere else.  Days like today it is even more important to remember it is not about me.

"And He has told you O man what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, to love kindness

and to walk humbly with your God"

Micah 6:8

We've sang this song at church for a few weeks, it has become something of an anthem for me.

God in my living, there in my breathing

God in my waking, God in my sleeping

God in my resting, there in my working

God in my thinking, God in my speaking

God in my hoping, there in my dreaming

God in my watching, God in my waiting

God in my laughing, there in my weeping

God in my hurting, God in my healing

Be my everything, Be my everything

Be my everything, Be my everything

Christ in me, Christ in me

Christ in me, the hope of glory

You are everything

Happy Birthday

For the record, I write this post as a declaration of something good.  This is not a plea for pity, or a time for sadness - but a celebration of a great person.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday.  She would have been 57.  This was the 10th birthday that has come and gone since my mom passed away in 2001 from ALS.

Sunday was not a day of sadness or depression.  Sunday was part of a great weekend getaway to Atlanta with my roommate Amber.  On Sunday we went to a great church service, ate delicious food, and hung out with some wonderful friends.  In the midst of a great weekend, was March 6th - and I feel like it should be noted.

Thankfully, the vast majority of my memories of my mom are great ones, when she was healthy and happy - and even a lot of the memories when she was sick are not bad.  I remember a lot of wonderful things, and it is amazing where the memories spark from.  For example, as we were driving in Atlanta a friend had a sheriff's badge in his cup holder.  The badge was from the restaurant Casa Bonita, in Denver, CO.  One of the two favorite pictures I have of my mom was taken at Casa Bonita - good memory.

I heard someone say that after you lose someone you think about them everyday.  I thought this was impossible, turns out it isn't.  I am confident that I have thought of my mom everyday since November 23, 2001.  Bob Knight, Dr. Quinn, Tom Selleck, blueberries, Clinique, cappuccino, pianos, skibos, Kenny G, the color beige, nurses, inside buttons in elevators, new born babies, and scrambled eggs are just a few things on a long list of reminders of my mom.

It is strange to think I am in a place in my life where my mom has no distinct connection.  I didn't know about Milligan ten years ago.  My college, major, and now job were all things I never talked to my mom about, or knew existed at the time.  Sometimes I wonder if she would have been okay with me going to college 450 miles away.  If she had protested, I think I would have reminded her that Ozark was even farther away from Bloomington, and look how well that turned out for her.

10 years ago and the preceding years, March 6th was filled with birthday cake from E&L Bakery and presents and cards.  Now it is a day, a lot like all of the other days.  Even though there are no presents or cards, it is still an important day and one that I am thankful for.  I am thankful for my mom and who she taught me to be, and how she taught me to act.  I am thankful that I look like her, and act like her (most of the time that is a good thing).  I am thankful for the moments and things, be they little, big, insignificant, or monumental that remind me of her.